Purrsday

Today I kind of stood up to her. We were walking and she had just finished talking to her about lending clothes, and when she walked away, I went "Thanks for letting me borrow your shirts!" and she looks at me suspiciously and goes "Did you steal some of my shirts?!" and then I tell her I'm being sarcastic and remind her that the last time I asked to borrow anything, she told me to get my own clothes. She replied that she was afraid that if she lent anything to me, she'd never see it again. I told her that the only thing I'd never given back was her jeans, and she already said months and months ago that I might as well keep them, they had molded to me and she never wore them anyway. Then she made some sort of feeble argument about how I never wear her clothes with anything cute and my outfits are always boring (so much for my no-sense-of-style being my style then, eh? Thanks). I told her I wear her stuff with what I have. She says to get new stuff. I say for the 232409th time that I have no money.


This week has sort of sucked, friend-wise. I'm taking a break from her tomorrow.
Why is it that I know such selfish, ignorant, rude, and/or unthoughtful people?

The truth just makes me want to back into my shell even further. And then bash myself on the head. The truth is that the only ones I really like are ____________. Either that, or I'm not that close with them.

The other truth, the worst one, is that I've never felt a moment of genuine connection with her. EVER! I will write her letters with nice things and mean most of them, but anything I've ever said about us being friends because of fate/we get along well/we're totally connected is BS. At best, I'll feel happy in a moment with her, probably when we're having a good conversation walking somewhere, or when she's explaining a movie to me or when we're driving toward some new adventure. I've felt happy with her and at times liked her a lot, but that's the extent of it. For me, there's no deep feeling in my core that I genuinely love her, and that's the saddest thing of all.
But I mean, what can you expect. There are only a few people I really feel an instantaneous, snap-judgement liking for/connection to. One of them is Astrid. I felt that right away, as soon as I met her. The moment we first exchanged words, I knew I liked her a lot. We get along very well.
Another is Katy, just because she's so kind to us and so likeable and so fun. I'm not at all surprised that she has the amount of friends she does. Those are the first two people that jump to my mind because I've been interacting with them the most recently.
Natalie, I liked right away, but really what's not to like about Natalie. I don't feel that connected to her though, because whenever I'm around her I feel like I'm drowning in inadequacy? There's so much about her that's good and she's so blatantly cool that I always feel overshadowed. I've always really admired her, though.
Uhh. I have not been that social lately. I can't think of any other people where the chemistry (friendly and otherwise) is just THERE.

I should do something about.. something. I'm so undecided about my friend but if it keeps up I'll take action, I can't just let it keep eating at me. I think going to the east for the week will be a good chance to clear my mind and make decisions about stuff, thoughtful decisions, because I'll be away from everyone and I won't be biased if something petty happened with the person that day and I'm still wound up over it. Hopefully I will be more focused when I get back.


I'm also pissed and sad that I lost it, with the book. I had it so good for a week there, and then...all down the drain. That was the most perfect school week I've ever had. I've noticeably rebounded now, though. I'm as shy as ever again.

Also, thank you Heather for being so sweet the other night.